Before we delve in, I'd like to acknowledge the shall-we-say notable lapse in time between my last post and, er, this one. Yup, it's been a while, but when you've got a teething 8-month-old, cooking, laundry, vaccuuming (etc), and oh yeah, online classes, with essays and tests and research papers and suchlike...well, you get the idea. So, something had to give and it ended up being this blog, TEMPORARILY! Summer break is coming, and with it, increased bloggability! Yes, I did, in fact, just create a word - language and I have a somewhat cozy relationship.
Now, let's delve into the tofu or sustainably and humanely grown meat of the matter! Many of us humans thirst for knowledge in general, and in particular, most of us are fascinated with the many nuances of all kinds of human relationships. In our shared desire to more deeply understand our ways of relating, we can often find ourselves thinking about past conversations, or interactions, long after the actual encounter has become a memory. What would I have said if I had it to say over again? How might that have been better? I wonder how our manner of relating would have been different if perhaps....and would that have been better, or worse...and on, and on.... I think that this is a big component of the insane popularity enjoyed by many reality shows and documentaries - people are fascinated to observe human behavior, and interaction, at close range.
The thing is, we become what we think about, physically and mentally. So, if we're using all our energy focusing on what has already happened, or could have happened, or might possibly happen, we miss what's going on in the present moment. We might even miss spotting a potentially terrific opportunity of one kind or another, even if it were right in front of us, waving a giant neon rubber chicken (for example).
So, I would like to challenge you all, and also myself, in the coming days, to intend within ourselves to spend more time each day in the present physical (or spiritual, emotional, etc) moment, and less time in the virtual world of abstraction, the what-ifs and i-wonder-why's of things.
Sometimes, it can be useful to realize that one has enough on one's plate, without giving so much energy to trying to understand something on, perhaps a deeper level than may need to be explored just then. You can always come back to it later, if you choose.
ready...................set.................................be!
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Thursday, March 10, 2011
The Blog Is Back, Baby; You're Invited To The Party Of Now
Welcome back, everyone. For me, it's been a frenetically crammed-tight month or so. Having leaped right into taking a full course load of online classes, with a seven-month-old baby, was certainly ambitious, to say the least! Now that my most intense, super-condensed class has ended (I got an A!!), I feel I have a little bit more breathing, and thinking, room.
Over time, and after many difficult and painful past Life Lessons (in my more recent past, not about past lives), I have learned that, when things feel overwhelmingly difficult, or unpleasant, the operative question to inwardly ask is: What am I supposed to be learning right now? Because you know what? Asking that question is always the beginning of the end of that painful, overwhelmed state of being. As soon as you've asked the question, you've shifted your focus away from "why, why, why" and over to "what, what, what...can I do to create a positive change here?"
Sometimes, you may realize your priorities may be slightly different than you may have thought. Sometimes, you may realize that you either need to change what you're doing, or to realize that a given situation is temporary, and that you'll need to work on identifying and using your tools; your knowledge of the things, environments, and activities which nourish and sustain you.
When I entered into this reflection and thinking space most recently, I realized that I am going to be in school for a pretty long time - if I stay as stressed-out as I was my first few months, I won't make it. Therefore, I'd better work on changing my mindset, and on identifying and making good use of my tools, pronto, because I've got a long way to go.
How many of us say, "Oh, I'll be okay when I get this job, or promotion, or when this boss moves on, or when I move away from that neighbor, when my health insurance kicks in, when I get a significant other, etc, etc? Pretty much everyone, I think. The problem with thinking in the future tense is that the future never gets here. It's always and perpetually now. So, if you keep giving yourself the message that you can't be happy in the now, because you're, to some extent, waiting for a future event, your happiness will always be out of reach, located beyond your grasp, in Tomorrowland (complete with dated Flying Cars Of The Future rides).
Sometimes, dissatisfaction with the now indicates that a change must be made, in order to make the now a better place in time to inhabit. It may be beneficial to ask yourself, "What would need to be different, for me to be willing to invest my happiness right here in the now? What would I need to change about the now, to make it more fun to be in?" Maybe you need more music in your life. Maybe you need to get outside more, get some nature in your day.
Whatever you discover, please take the time (so to speak) to explore what you can change to make now a truly delightful place for you to be. Because now is all we ever really have.
Over time, and after many difficult and painful past Life Lessons (in my more recent past, not about past lives), I have learned that, when things feel overwhelmingly difficult, or unpleasant, the operative question to inwardly ask is: What am I supposed to be learning right now? Because you know what? Asking that question is always the beginning of the end of that painful, overwhelmed state of being. As soon as you've asked the question, you've shifted your focus away from "why, why, why" and over to "what, what, what...can I do to create a positive change here?"
Sometimes, you may realize your priorities may be slightly different than you may have thought. Sometimes, you may realize that you either need to change what you're doing, or to realize that a given situation is temporary, and that you'll need to work on identifying and using your tools; your knowledge of the things, environments, and activities which nourish and sustain you.
When I entered into this reflection and thinking space most recently, I realized that I am going to be in school for a pretty long time - if I stay as stressed-out as I was my first few months, I won't make it. Therefore, I'd better work on changing my mindset, and on identifying and making good use of my tools, pronto, because I've got a long way to go.
How many of us say, "Oh, I'll be okay when I get this job, or promotion, or when this boss moves on, or when I move away from that neighbor, when my health insurance kicks in, when I get a significant other, etc, etc? Pretty much everyone, I think. The problem with thinking in the future tense is that the future never gets here. It's always and perpetually now. So, if you keep giving yourself the message that you can't be happy in the now, because you're, to some extent, waiting for a future event, your happiness will always be out of reach, located beyond your grasp, in Tomorrowland (complete with dated Flying Cars Of The Future rides).
Sometimes, dissatisfaction with the now indicates that a change must be made, in order to make the now a better place in time to inhabit. It may be beneficial to ask yourself, "What would need to be different, for me to be willing to invest my happiness right here in the now? What would I need to change about the now, to make it more fun to be in?" Maybe you need more music in your life. Maybe you need to get outside more, get some nature in your day.
Whatever you discover, please take the time (so to speak) to explore what you can change to make now a truly delightful place for you to be. Because now is all we ever really have.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Why Resist The List?
This week, I'd like to talk about my very strange relationship with the one of the most useful tools on the planet. This tool is completely free to use (you do need a paper and pen, but really, those can be borrowed, if need be). It's completely portable; it can fit in the palm of your hand, if you'd like. And this tool has been shown to increase personally efficiency by about a billion-fold (approximately). What am I talking about? Friends, I speak of a good, old-fashioned To Do List.
So, here's the strange part: even though I know that I will be able to accomplish a far greater number of tasks, organize my time more efficiently, and free up valuable cognitive function for focus on other things, I seem to resist the list! Many people I know are in the same boat here. Why do we resist the list?? It just doesn't make logical sense - we know how much writing a To Do List will serve us, we know it only takes a minute or two to complete, and yet, we resist, insisting instead on limiting ourselves in this way. I had to fight myself for about three hours this morning before I broke down and made a list. And you know what? As soon as I wrote it, I felt instantly relieved, instantly more organized and competent. So why in the world was it such a struggle?
Perhaps we resist writing the To Do List because we feel it should be unnecessary - we shouldn't need to write stuff down; we've got these powerful brains; that should be enough, right?
Well, that's true - however, picture your closet. We all know how much easier it is to locate, say, a particular favorite shirt, when you can see it clearly, folded or hanging right in it's organized home, rather than at the bottom of a huge pile of unfolded clothes, completely obscuring the closet floor, as well as all the layers of clothing below the very top layer. I'm not telling you to go organize your closet, although that might not be such a terrible idea either, but how much easier to organize your thoughts by writing a list.
I have the most terrific To Do notepad. Somehow, it's way more approachable to write a To Do list on a pad that's been specifically designed with Listing in mind. Mine actually has a column for each day of the week - the particularly ingenious aspect of this design is that it lends itself to To Do List modification - if some items escape you for a day, you can just move them over to the next day's list. Plus, you get a sense of perspective as to what your objectives are for the week. Also, let's say there's something you know you're going to have to do three days from now, you can write it in that day's column and you're freed from having to think about it until then! So much easier!!
With all this effusive praise for To Do Lists, I do want to include a friendly suggestion as well: To Do lists work best when you use them fluidly, not rigidly. It's never productive to get overly critical of yourself if your list/reach exceeds your grasp. As long as you're moving forward, you're moving in the right direction.
For those just getting started, I suggest writing some short-term lists, and also some long-term ones as well. It can be very freeing to get those goals onto paper, so your brain can stop repeating them in hopes that you remember all the different components swimming around in there.
Also, boxes to be checked next to each item = a must. It's just so very very satisfying to check them off. In fact, if a large task can be broken down into smaller parts, it can be very rewarding to make a separate line, with check-box, for each component of the task, like if you're cleaning the bathroom, the floor, the sink, the counters, the mirror can all have their own lines, if you wish. So much more satisfying to check off all those happy little boxes.
So, although this post is on the shorter side (homework comes first), I do feel that the topic has the potential to pack a pretty big 'pow'. I'll leave you with a few related quotes from a really wise and amazing man named Brian Tracy, who once said, "Goals allow you to control the direction of change in your favor.", and, "Feeling listless? Make a list!"
So, here's the strange part: even though I know that I will be able to accomplish a far greater number of tasks, organize my time more efficiently, and free up valuable cognitive function for focus on other things, I seem to resist the list! Many people I know are in the same boat here. Why do we resist the list?? It just doesn't make logical sense - we know how much writing a To Do List will serve us, we know it only takes a minute or two to complete, and yet, we resist, insisting instead on limiting ourselves in this way. I had to fight myself for about three hours this morning before I broke down and made a list. And you know what? As soon as I wrote it, I felt instantly relieved, instantly more organized and competent. So why in the world was it such a struggle?
Perhaps we resist writing the To Do List because we feel it should be unnecessary - we shouldn't need to write stuff down; we've got these powerful brains; that should be enough, right?
Well, that's true - however, picture your closet. We all know how much easier it is to locate, say, a particular favorite shirt, when you can see it clearly, folded or hanging right in it's organized home, rather than at the bottom of a huge pile of unfolded clothes, completely obscuring the closet floor, as well as all the layers of clothing below the very top layer. I'm not telling you to go organize your closet, although that might not be such a terrible idea either, but how much easier to organize your thoughts by writing a list.
I have the most terrific To Do notepad. Somehow, it's way more approachable to write a To Do list on a pad that's been specifically designed with Listing in mind. Mine actually has a column for each day of the week - the particularly ingenious aspect of this design is that it lends itself to To Do List modification - if some items escape you for a day, you can just move them over to the next day's list. Plus, you get a sense of perspective as to what your objectives are for the week. Also, let's say there's something you know you're going to have to do three days from now, you can write it in that day's column and you're freed from having to think about it until then! So much easier!!
With all this effusive praise for To Do Lists, I do want to include a friendly suggestion as well: To Do lists work best when you use them fluidly, not rigidly. It's never productive to get overly critical of yourself if your list/reach exceeds your grasp. As long as you're moving forward, you're moving in the right direction.
For those just getting started, I suggest writing some short-term lists, and also some long-term ones as well. It can be very freeing to get those goals onto paper, so your brain can stop repeating them in hopes that you remember all the different components swimming around in there.
Also, boxes to be checked next to each item = a must. It's just so very very satisfying to check them off. In fact, if a large task can be broken down into smaller parts, it can be very rewarding to make a separate line, with check-box, for each component of the task, like if you're cleaning the bathroom, the floor, the sink, the counters, the mirror can all have their own lines, if you wish. So much more satisfying to check off all those happy little boxes.
So, although this post is on the shorter side (homework comes first), I do feel that the topic has the potential to pack a pretty big 'pow'. I'll leave you with a few related quotes from a really wise and amazing man named Brian Tracy, who once said, "Goals allow you to control the direction of change in your favor.", and, "Feeling listless? Make a list!"
Friday, February 4, 2011
The Magical Equation Of Change, and How It's Transforming My World Today
Greetings, readers. Today I write to you as a woman in some turmoil. I am a couple weeks into taking online classes, and my brain hasn't been working the way it used to (I used to drive a Ferrari; I now seem to be rocking the Flintstones' car). I can not remember the last time I got more than two hours of non-interrupted sleep - well, I can, but it was over six months ago (the night before the day I gave birth).
The other bug in my bonnet: I am frustrated that, for the first time in my adult life, I want more money, but I don't have the option of "just working harder" (as when I worked sales jobs where I could earn a commission), or of finding a job with a higher salary, or asking for a raise. As my friend Michele, who will be interviewed in a future blog entry, delving into her skills of fiscal wizardry, says, I have one client, who is extremely demanding, and I am on-call 24/7 - oh, and also, I signed an exclusivity contract stating that I can't work for anyone else, including bosses who would pay me in currency other than baby smiles and baby giggles (which are terrific and all, but the cashiers at Whole Foods seem to feel it's not an acceptable form of payment).
So, here I am. These are the two issues which weigh heavily upon my mind and heart today. I, readers, am standing at the fulcrum, or balance point, of the scales. The scales I refer to represent components of the Magical Equation of Change, which reads as follows:
The pain of the present situation must out-weigh the fear of the unknown, for change to occur.
Powerful stuff, that equation. And 100% true for humans; every one I've met anyway.
Until today, I have resisted feeding my daughter solid foods. My mother, who is a neonatal intensive care nurse (who works with premature babies, and is a fountain of current, clinically-proven baby-related information) tells me research shows that: the longer the introduction of solid foods is delayed, the lower the chance baby will suffer allergies later in life. Or more specifically, the longer babies ingest nothing but breast milk, the less likely they are to later suffer allergies. So, I've been waiting and waiting. Everybody else tells me that, as soon as their baby started eating solid foods, presto!, baby slept through the night. Through the night??! The whole night??? Wow. So, this morning, after yet another night of what felt like one extremely long game of poke-mama-s eyeballs, played by my wide-awake daughter, I decided. There is a reason that, when the airline safety spiel talks about oxygen masks, the point they emphasize is to put your own mask on first. Because, if you don't, who's going to be coherent enough to put the childrens' masks on them? Today, my daughter will taste her first solid foods. I am giddy at the mere whiff of possibility of a sleep-filled night.
Next, the money issue. Actually, there is an option I had overlooked. Scholarships and grants. Money is one of the main reasons I'm in school in the first place, but maybe I don't have to wait until I graduate to benefit from increased funds. I don't know how long it's going to take; I don't know if my daughter is going to do her best impression of a car alarm the entire time we're waiting in line; I don't know if I will be successful - if it will be worth my while. But I do know I have to try. Monday, my daughter and I will be camping out in the line outside my community college's Financial Aid office, and if we have to spend the whole day there, then that's what will have to happen for me to attain more funds.
The pain of the current situation has tipped the balance, and now out-weighs any fear of the unknown: change is now ready to occur.
Which brings us to the other magical quality of change. Once you achieve the first equation, once you have clearly identified measurable, attainable action steps for yourself, which you firmly intend to put into motion, the part of you that was in so much pain begins to relax. Ahhhhhh........
Friday, January 28, 2011
It's Not You
There's a book I really love,called the Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz. Today, I find myself reviewing his second agreement, Don't Take Anything Personally. Let's get into it!
Two people enter into a conversation together. How many conversations are happening? You might think the answer is one, but you'd be incorrect. Two conversations are happening, one in each person's mind (where else? the words are gone as soon as they're uttered, except within the minds of the two people)
But within those two minds, is this conversation occurring atop a smooth, blank, un-developped foundation? Not by a long shot! Let's say you and I are conversing. The words you say leave your mouth and enter my ears, are relayed to my brain. My brain is already a full house. Let's picture a big, quirky, brightly colored Victorian. So, rather than gaining entry upon a smoothly swept foundation, your words, to get into my brain, might have to squeeze in through a porthole-shaped stained-glass window on the third floor, for example, instead. (The front door is already in use; last night's homework, big, hulking, unwieldy ideas, are trying to turn themselves sideways so they can gain entry as well)
So your words had to take the upstairs window to get in. But, by the time they're in, they've passed through that window, changed and, possibly, distorted by the colors of stained glass they passed through to get there. We each have a lifetime's worth of experiences, associations, personal values, and perspectives that we see through, like a filter, like a one-of-a-kind stained glass window. Everything we see, hear, and learn, must pass through this filter, or window. The challenge being, of course, that nobody else can see through your window. If you say, "yellow", and I process it through my blue stained glass window/filter, I'm not going to hear, 'yellow'; I'm going to hear 'green'. And you might think I heard 'yellow', because you can't see that my window/filter is blue!
It's a wonder we manage to communicate at all! I am reminded of when I worked with students and often would interact with Spanish-Speaking Only parents. Now, I don't speak Spanish, but I am fairly fluent in French, so I could understand what they were saying, I just didn't have the vocabulary or grammar to respond in Spanish; I had to respond in English. The parents, likewise, could understand my English; they just didn't have the vocabulary or grammar to respond in English. By paying close attention to each others' facial expressions, we were each able to gage when we had used a word the other person didn't know. We would then pause, and try different synonyms (different words which have similar or the same meaning) until we got one which the other person could understand. We were able to have entire, in-depth, and nuanced conversations in this manner, them speaking Spanish, me speaking English; both parties comprehending. In fact, many of these conversations actually worked far better than many all-English conversations I've had.
Why? Nobody assumed anything. Nobody took anything for granted; nobody assumed that the other person would understand what she or he was saying. Everything was communicated very consciously, paying close attention to non-verbal cues, and checking to be sure the other person is 'with you', or 'on the same page', consistently throughout the conversation. Also, and most importantly, I never took anything personally. It was much easier in these instances, for me to remember that everyone was coming from a very different perspective, and was bringing a different viewpoint to the table. I was very successful in my work at that job.
So, if you can see everyone you interact with as though they're speaking a different language than you, with some overlap, but only when you can mutually find agreement in understanding, you're actually living a lot closer to the truth. When something you say in a reasonable manner is met with a response which seems out-of-proportion, this is the perfect time to pause and consider: okay, one or both of us are not on the same page here. The worst thing you can do at that point is to react to what you think you're hearing. Rather, it's a great opportunity to pause, and realize, one, or both of us, has misinterpreted the other. Let's go back and figure out where the disconnect happened; let's retrace our steps together, and see if we can get back on track here. Having the presence of mind to do this, in the heat of the moment, is a skill that takes some practice, but it's a muscle we all have; we just need to strengthen it, through conscious intention and practice. Hint: meditation helps (big-time!).
Courage, mes amis, et bon chance!
(Courage, my friends, and good luck!)
Two people enter into a conversation together. How many conversations are happening? You might think the answer is one, but you'd be incorrect. Two conversations are happening, one in each person's mind (where else? the words are gone as soon as they're uttered, except within the minds of the two people)
But within those two minds, is this conversation occurring atop a smooth, blank, un-developped foundation? Not by a long shot! Let's say you and I are conversing. The words you say leave your mouth and enter my ears, are relayed to my brain. My brain is already a full house. Let's picture a big, quirky, brightly colored Victorian. So, rather than gaining entry upon a smoothly swept foundation, your words, to get into my brain, might have to squeeze in through a porthole-shaped stained-glass window on the third floor, for example, instead. (The front door is already in use; last night's homework, big, hulking, unwieldy ideas, are trying to turn themselves sideways so they can gain entry as well)
So your words had to take the upstairs window to get in. But, by the time they're in, they've passed through that window, changed and, possibly, distorted by the colors of stained glass they passed through to get there. We each have a lifetime's worth of experiences, associations, personal values, and perspectives that we see through, like a filter, like a one-of-a-kind stained glass window. Everything we see, hear, and learn, must pass through this filter, or window. The challenge being, of course, that nobody else can see through your window. If you say, "yellow", and I process it through my blue stained glass window/filter, I'm not going to hear, 'yellow'; I'm going to hear 'green'. And you might think I heard 'yellow', because you can't see that my window/filter is blue!
It's a wonder we manage to communicate at all! I am reminded of when I worked with students and often would interact with Spanish-Speaking Only parents. Now, I don't speak Spanish, but I am fairly fluent in French, so I could understand what they were saying, I just didn't have the vocabulary or grammar to respond in Spanish; I had to respond in English. The parents, likewise, could understand my English; they just didn't have the vocabulary or grammar to respond in English. By paying close attention to each others' facial expressions, we were each able to gage when we had used a word the other person didn't know. We would then pause, and try different synonyms (different words which have similar or the same meaning) until we got one which the other person could understand. We were able to have entire, in-depth, and nuanced conversations in this manner, them speaking Spanish, me speaking English; both parties comprehending. In fact, many of these conversations actually worked far better than many all-English conversations I've had.
Why? Nobody assumed anything. Nobody took anything for granted; nobody assumed that the other person would understand what she or he was saying. Everything was communicated very consciously, paying close attention to non-verbal cues, and checking to be sure the other person is 'with you', or 'on the same page', consistently throughout the conversation. Also, and most importantly, I never took anything personally. It was much easier in these instances, for me to remember that everyone was coming from a very different perspective, and was bringing a different viewpoint to the table. I was very successful in my work at that job.
So, if you can see everyone you interact with as though they're speaking a different language than you, with some overlap, but only when you can mutually find agreement in understanding, you're actually living a lot closer to the truth. When something you say in a reasonable manner is met with a response which seems out-of-proportion, this is the perfect time to pause and consider: okay, one or both of us are not on the same page here. The worst thing you can do at that point is to react to what you think you're hearing. Rather, it's a great opportunity to pause, and realize, one, or both of us, has misinterpreted the other. Let's go back and figure out where the disconnect happened; let's retrace our steps together, and see if we can get back on track here. Having the presence of mind to do this, in the heat of the moment, is a skill that takes some practice, but it's a muscle we all have; we just need to strengthen it, through conscious intention and practice. Hint: meditation helps (big-time!).
Courage, mes amis, et bon chance!
(Courage, my friends, and good luck!)
Thursday, January 20, 2011
What You Really Really Want
One of the really instructive aspects of pregnancy is that behaviors which no longer serve you tend to fall away. There ceases to be room and/or energy to sustain them. You don't have to be pregnant in order to examine what's working and what isn't, and to do a little bit of early spring cleaning.
One of the biggest challenges that most women struggle, or dance, with is asking clearly for what we want. Many men have challenges with this as well, so let's get into it!
What is it that can make it seem so difficult to clearly and unapologetically advocate for ourselves? We may feel apprehensive that we'll be seen as 'being difficult' or that others may misunderstand our assertiveness as aggression. Or, we may feel like it would be so great if the other person just knew what we wanted, that we keep giving them the opportunity to guess correctly...but they don't. So the question is: does this really serve our best interests? Our highest good? Or, does it end up complicating matters unnecessarily?
It's time for us to put on our CEO hats. Really, each one of us is, in fact, our own Chief Executive Officer; occasionally, it can be helpful to think like one. A successful CEO communicates her or his needs and/or objectives clearly and directly. They don't waste time wondering how others will interpret their communication, they just go for it. The result is that they get exactly what they were looking for a lot more of the time than many of us do.
But I don't have a staff who's getting paid to hang on my every word, you say. Me neither. That's where the charisma factor comes in. Pull a genuine smile out and put it on when you're expressing yourself. Think about something you like about the person or people you are addressing before you begin. Then, clearly and concisely, in a factual, calm manner, ask for exactly what you want. If it helps, you can picture a CEO at a big shiny mahogany desk (how would she or he say this?)
Another, related challenge many of us dance with is knowing what we want and being able to separate that from what we think (or others think) we should want. Maybe you feel like you should want to go to a friend's party, but you really want some alone time. Maybe you feel like you should want a spouse, but really you want to focus more on accomplishing your own goals at the present time. Whatever the specifics, it's really important to separate what you really want for yourself from what you think you should want/what others may want for you. I suggest writing a list that has two columns, What I Want, and What I Think I Should Want - and see what comes up! Be honest with yourself - you can always burn, flush, or eat your list after you're done (i don't recommend eating, but to each her or his own!). One thing that can keep a lot of people from examining what they really want is that, once illuminated, these desires may begin to demand action. Action which may seem hard, or uncomfortable, or scary, or time-consuming, etc. But you know what? Those wants aren't going to go away, even if you ignore them. They'll just figure out creative ways of crashing the party later if you don't invite them to the table of your consciousness sooner. And they'll be bigger and creepier for having been left in the shadows so long.
Plus, when you uncover and examine what you really want, it can lead you to situations which truly encourage and celebrate who you are as a unique and valuable individual! Those very parts of yourself that you weren't sure anyone out there will 'get' will attract supportive and wonderful allies because you are creating inviting energy by welcoming in the parts of yourself that you may have been ignoring. Maybe it's just the part of you that's always wanted to sing karaoke but never had the courage, or maybe it's a deeper, more intense part of you, but everyone can start somewhere. And, just like going to therapy, bold self-honesty can be uncomfortable at first, but the discomfort is just one small piece of the process. Just like giving birth is just one small part of having a child; you get through it, and it leads to something great.
One of the biggest challenges that most women struggle, or dance, with is asking clearly for what we want. Many men have challenges with this as well, so let's get into it!
What is it that can make it seem so difficult to clearly and unapologetically advocate for ourselves? We may feel apprehensive that we'll be seen as 'being difficult' or that others may misunderstand our assertiveness as aggression. Or, we may feel like it would be so great if the other person just knew what we wanted, that we keep giving them the opportunity to guess correctly...but they don't. So the question is: does this really serve our best interests? Our highest good? Or, does it end up complicating matters unnecessarily?
It's time for us to put on our CEO hats. Really, each one of us is, in fact, our own Chief Executive Officer; occasionally, it can be helpful to think like one. A successful CEO communicates her or his needs and/or objectives clearly and directly. They don't waste time wondering how others will interpret their communication, they just go for it. The result is that they get exactly what they were looking for a lot more of the time than many of us do.
But I don't have a staff who's getting paid to hang on my every word, you say. Me neither. That's where the charisma factor comes in. Pull a genuine smile out and put it on when you're expressing yourself. Think about something you like about the person or people you are addressing before you begin. Then, clearly and concisely, in a factual, calm manner, ask for exactly what you want. If it helps, you can picture a CEO at a big shiny mahogany desk (how would she or he say this?)
Another, related challenge many of us dance with is knowing what we want and being able to separate that from what we think (or others think) we should want. Maybe you feel like you should want to go to a friend's party, but you really want some alone time. Maybe you feel like you should want a spouse, but really you want to focus more on accomplishing your own goals at the present time. Whatever the specifics, it's really important to separate what you really want for yourself from what you think you should want/what others may want for you. I suggest writing a list that has two columns, What I Want, and What I Think I Should Want - and see what comes up! Be honest with yourself - you can always burn, flush, or eat your list after you're done (i don't recommend eating, but to each her or his own!). One thing that can keep a lot of people from examining what they really want is that, once illuminated, these desires may begin to demand action. Action which may seem hard, or uncomfortable, or scary, or time-consuming, etc. But you know what? Those wants aren't going to go away, even if you ignore them. They'll just figure out creative ways of crashing the party later if you don't invite them to the table of your consciousness sooner. And they'll be bigger and creepier for having been left in the shadows so long.
Plus, when you uncover and examine what you really want, it can lead you to situations which truly encourage and celebrate who you are as a unique and valuable individual! Those very parts of yourself that you weren't sure anyone out there will 'get' will attract supportive and wonderful allies because you are creating inviting energy by welcoming in the parts of yourself that you may have been ignoring. Maybe it's just the part of you that's always wanted to sing karaoke but never had the courage, or maybe it's a deeper, more intense part of you, but everyone can start somewhere. And, just like going to therapy, bold self-honesty can be uncomfortable at first, but the discomfort is just one small piece of the process. Just like giving birth is just one small part of having a child; you get through it, and it leads to something great.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
We Are Always Spiraling Closer; Everything Counts
When we see a movie and the theme is the Hero's Journey, it's all so clear-cut. The problem, or task, is always so clearly defined, The battle is generally external, against a reliably 'bad' or 'evil' opponent, and victory is always measurable and universally agreed-upon.
Part of the reason this theme of the Hero's Journey (hero encounters problem or Task, which takes her/him out of the happy bubble of their previous existence and into Foreign Territory, to gain allies, learn about her/himself, uncover talents and abilities heretofore unknown to them, achieve the Victory, and then return to the beginning, changed by the experience) appeals so universally to us as humans, is that we are all always experiencing some point along this loop. Always.
In our world, a lot of the battles are internal, the villains are almost never who you think they are (or who they think they are, for that matter, like when they're aspects of your self!), the battles are almost never so clearly defined or measurable, and the cycle doesn't seem to end at any point. We don't really know if there are credits when the 'house lights come back up', or if it just fades to a different scene - nobody's been able to write an reliably accurate review as of yet. But certainly, while we inhabit our human bodies, here on earth, the loop appears to be continuous.
I believe that every human being on this planet came here for a few main reasons. Healing, learning, and entertainment seem to be universal to most, if not all, humans as goals while here on Earth. And then there are other goals which seem to be individual to each person. Some people are really fortunate and they know exactly what they're here for, right from the start. My cousin knew she was here to be a teacher from the time she could speak, and today, she is a positive force helping young minds to grow and flourish, you guessed it, teaching kids! I, however, wasn't so certain. Everything sounded at least a little bit interesting, a few possibilities seemed more interesting than others, but nothing made my heart sing and dance more than anything else I can recall. After high school and my first few attempts at sustainably attending college, I worked first for an environmental advocacy group, then at a law firm, then at a culinary school, then at a dating service company before I finally realized that the field I'm here to be a part of is Health/Healing.
It could be tempting at first glance to say, wow - too bad you wasted eight years figuring that out....but did I really?? Were those twists and turns detours off my path, or were they coils of my path spiraling closer to my primary goal?
Remember those old-school video games where you'd go around searching for magical tools and such, and you'd have to get the golden key (or whatever) from level five to open the magic door in level seven? If you got to level seven without the key, you'd have to go all the way back to level five for it? Well, the interesting thing is, we can never know ahead of time which magic keys we will have need of, perhaps several 'levels' into our respective futures. I can promise you that I learned very crucial skills and became intimately familiar with integral concepts and truths at each different job along the way, without which I would not have all the tools I have today, which I know I'm going to need on my path to becoming a Nurse Midwife. If I hadn't completed each loop of that spiral, I wouldn't be at this juncture, right here and right now, poised to begin an incredible journey, in the midst of several other incredible journeys, and with more incredible journeys yet to come!
That's the other interesting thing: we are all always leaving on our Quest, and we are all always Returning as well. It's kind of like how we're all always breathing. We're always inhaling and we're always exhaling. Always leaving, and always returning coming home, changed.
My point is this: when we're on a path, it's impossible to get enough distance that you'd be able to see the true shape of the path. Therefore, as long as one pays attention and stays alert for those 'magic keys' along the way, how much more productive to give up the exhausting illusion that you can know ahead of time which way your path will lead!! How much easier, unencumbered by this fallacy that life goes from point a to point b along a remotely predictable route! Now we are open to all the possibilities - much more likely to spot a 'golden key' in disguise the first spiral-around, so we can continue spiraling closer. And no matter where you are in life, especially the most seemingly-unlikely of places, there's always, always, always a 'golden key' you're going to need later. Every step counts, every step is getting you closer to your goals. Especially when you can't see how this is happening, it's happening.
Part of the reason this theme of the Hero's Journey (hero encounters problem or Task, which takes her/him out of the happy bubble of their previous existence and into Foreign Territory, to gain allies, learn about her/himself, uncover talents and abilities heretofore unknown to them, achieve the Victory, and then return to the beginning, changed by the experience) appeals so universally to us as humans, is that we are all always experiencing some point along this loop. Always.
In our world, a lot of the battles are internal, the villains are almost never who you think they are (or who they think they are, for that matter, like when they're aspects of your self!), the battles are almost never so clearly defined or measurable, and the cycle doesn't seem to end at any point. We don't really know if there are credits when the 'house lights come back up', or if it just fades to a different scene - nobody's been able to write an reliably accurate review as of yet. But certainly, while we inhabit our human bodies, here on earth, the loop appears to be continuous.
I believe that every human being on this planet came here for a few main reasons. Healing, learning, and entertainment seem to be universal to most, if not all, humans as goals while here on Earth. And then there are other goals which seem to be individual to each person. Some people are really fortunate and they know exactly what they're here for, right from the start. My cousin knew she was here to be a teacher from the time she could speak, and today, she is a positive force helping young minds to grow and flourish, you guessed it, teaching kids! I, however, wasn't so certain. Everything sounded at least a little bit interesting, a few possibilities seemed more interesting than others, but nothing made my heart sing and dance more than anything else I can recall. After high school and my first few attempts at sustainably attending college, I worked first for an environmental advocacy group, then at a law firm, then at a culinary school, then at a dating service company before I finally realized that the field I'm here to be a part of is Health/Healing.
It could be tempting at first glance to say, wow - too bad you wasted eight years figuring that out....but did I really?? Were those twists and turns detours off my path, or were they coils of my path spiraling closer to my primary goal?
Remember those old-school video games where you'd go around searching for magical tools and such, and you'd have to get the golden key (or whatever) from level five to open the magic door in level seven? If you got to level seven without the key, you'd have to go all the way back to level five for it? Well, the interesting thing is, we can never know ahead of time which magic keys we will have need of, perhaps several 'levels' into our respective futures. I can promise you that I learned very crucial skills and became intimately familiar with integral concepts and truths at each different job along the way, without which I would not have all the tools I have today, which I know I'm going to need on my path to becoming a Nurse Midwife. If I hadn't completed each loop of that spiral, I wouldn't be at this juncture, right here and right now, poised to begin an incredible journey, in the midst of several other incredible journeys, and with more incredible journeys yet to come!
That's the other interesting thing: we are all always leaving on our Quest, and we are all always Returning as well. It's kind of like how we're all always breathing. We're always inhaling and we're always exhaling. Always leaving, and always returning coming home, changed.
My point is this: when we're on a path, it's impossible to get enough distance that you'd be able to see the true shape of the path. Therefore, as long as one pays attention and stays alert for those 'magic keys' along the way, how much more productive to give up the exhausting illusion that you can know ahead of time which way your path will lead!! How much easier, unencumbered by this fallacy that life goes from point a to point b along a remotely predictable route! Now we are open to all the possibilities - much more likely to spot a 'golden key' in disguise the first spiral-around, so we can continue spiraling closer. And no matter where you are in life, especially the most seemingly-unlikely of places, there's always, always, always a 'golden key' you're going to need later. Every step counts, every step is getting you closer to your goals. Especially when you can't see how this is happening, it's happening.
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