There's a book I really love,called the Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz. Today, I find myself reviewing his second agreement, Don't Take Anything Personally. Let's get into it!
Two people enter into a conversation together. How many conversations are happening? You might think the answer is one, but you'd be incorrect. Two conversations are happening, one in each person's mind (where else? the words are gone as soon as they're uttered, except within the minds of the two people)
But within those two minds, is this conversation occurring atop a smooth, blank, un-developped foundation? Not by a long shot! Let's say you and I are conversing. The words you say leave your mouth and enter my ears, are relayed to my brain. My brain is already a full house. Let's picture a big, quirky, brightly colored Victorian. So, rather than gaining entry upon a smoothly swept foundation, your words, to get into my brain, might have to squeeze in through a porthole-shaped stained-glass window on the third floor, for example, instead. (The front door is already in use; last night's homework, big, hulking, unwieldy ideas, are trying to turn themselves sideways so they can gain entry as well)
So your words had to take the upstairs window to get in. But, by the time they're in, they've passed through that window, changed and, possibly, distorted by the colors of stained glass they passed through to get there. We each have a lifetime's worth of experiences, associations, personal values, and perspectives that we see through, like a filter, like a one-of-a-kind stained glass window. Everything we see, hear, and learn, must pass through this filter, or window. The challenge being, of course, that nobody else can see through your window. If you say, "yellow", and I process it through my blue stained glass window/filter, I'm not going to hear, 'yellow'; I'm going to hear 'green'. And you might think I heard 'yellow', because you can't see that my window/filter is blue!
It's a wonder we manage to communicate at all! I am reminded of when I worked with students and often would interact with Spanish-Speaking Only parents. Now, I don't speak Spanish, but I am fairly fluent in French, so I could understand what they were saying, I just didn't have the vocabulary or grammar to respond in Spanish; I had to respond in English. The parents, likewise, could understand my English; they just didn't have the vocabulary or grammar to respond in English. By paying close attention to each others' facial expressions, we were each able to gage when we had used a word the other person didn't know. We would then pause, and try different synonyms (different words which have similar or the same meaning) until we got one which the other person could understand. We were able to have entire, in-depth, and nuanced conversations in this manner, them speaking Spanish, me speaking English; both parties comprehending. In fact, many of these conversations actually worked far better than many all-English conversations I've had.
Why? Nobody assumed anything. Nobody took anything for granted; nobody assumed that the other person would understand what she or he was saying. Everything was communicated very consciously, paying close attention to non-verbal cues, and checking to be sure the other person is 'with you', or 'on the same page', consistently throughout the conversation. Also, and most importantly, I never took anything personally. It was much easier in these instances, for me to remember that everyone was coming from a very different perspective, and was bringing a different viewpoint to the table. I was very successful in my work at that job.
So, if you can see everyone you interact with as though they're speaking a different language than you, with some overlap, but only when you can mutually find agreement in understanding, you're actually living a lot closer to the truth. When something you say in a reasonable manner is met with a response which seems out-of-proportion, this is the perfect time to pause and consider: okay, one or both of us are not on the same page here. The worst thing you can do at that point is to react to what you think you're hearing. Rather, it's a great opportunity to pause, and realize, one, or both of us, has misinterpreted the other. Let's go back and figure out where the disconnect happened; let's retrace our steps together, and see if we can get back on track here. Having the presence of mind to do this, in the heat of the moment, is a skill that takes some practice, but it's a muscle we all have; we just need to strengthen it, through conscious intention and practice. Hint: meditation helps (big-time!).
Courage, mes amis, et bon chance!
(Courage, my friends, and good luck!)
Friday, January 28, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
What You Really Really Want
One of the really instructive aspects of pregnancy is that behaviors which no longer serve you tend to fall away. There ceases to be room and/or energy to sustain them. You don't have to be pregnant in order to examine what's working and what isn't, and to do a little bit of early spring cleaning.
One of the biggest challenges that most women struggle, or dance, with is asking clearly for what we want. Many men have challenges with this as well, so let's get into it!
What is it that can make it seem so difficult to clearly and unapologetically advocate for ourselves? We may feel apprehensive that we'll be seen as 'being difficult' or that others may misunderstand our assertiveness as aggression. Or, we may feel like it would be so great if the other person just knew what we wanted, that we keep giving them the opportunity to guess correctly...but they don't. So the question is: does this really serve our best interests? Our highest good? Or, does it end up complicating matters unnecessarily?
It's time for us to put on our CEO hats. Really, each one of us is, in fact, our own Chief Executive Officer; occasionally, it can be helpful to think like one. A successful CEO communicates her or his needs and/or objectives clearly and directly. They don't waste time wondering how others will interpret their communication, they just go for it. The result is that they get exactly what they were looking for a lot more of the time than many of us do.
But I don't have a staff who's getting paid to hang on my every word, you say. Me neither. That's where the charisma factor comes in. Pull a genuine smile out and put it on when you're expressing yourself. Think about something you like about the person or people you are addressing before you begin. Then, clearly and concisely, in a factual, calm manner, ask for exactly what you want. If it helps, you can picture a CEO at a big shiny mahogany desk (how would she or he say this?)
Another, related challenge many of us dance with is knowing what we want and being able to separate that from what we think (or others think) we should want. Maybe you feel like you should want to go to a friend's party, but you really want some alone time. Maybe you feel like you should want a spouse, but really you want to focus more on accomplishing your own goals at the present time. Whatever the specifics, it's really important to separate what you really want for yourself from what you think you should want/what others may want for you. I suggest writing a list that has two columns, What I Want, and What I Think I Should Want - and see what comes up! Be honest with yourself - you can always burn, flush, or eat your list after you're done (i don't recommend eating, but to each her or his own!). One thing that can keep a lot of people from examining what they really want is that, once illuminated, these desires may begin to demand action. Action which may seem hard, or uncomfortable, or scary, or time-consuming, etc. But you know what? Those wants aren't going to go away, even if you ignore them. They'll just figure out creative ways of crashing the party later if you don't invite them to the table of your consciousness sooner. And they'll be bigger and creepier for having been left in the shadows so long.
Plus, when you uncover and examine what you really want, it can lead you to situations which truly encourage and celebrate who you are as a unique and valuable individual! Those very parts of yourself that you weren't sure anyone out there will 'get' will attract supportive and wonderful allies because you are creating inviting energy by welcoming in the parts of yourself that you may have been ignoring. Maybe it's just the part of you that's always wanted to sing karaoke but never had the courage, or maybe it's a deeper, more intense part of you, but everyone can start somewhere. And, just like going to therapy, bold self-honesty can be uncomfortable at first, but the discomfort is just one small piece of the process. Just like giving birth is just one small part of having a child; you get through it, and it leads to something great.
One of the biggest challenges that most women struggle, or dance, with is asking clearly for what we want. Many men have challenges with this as well, so let's get into it!
What is it that can make it seem so difficult to clearly and unapologetically advocate for ourselves? We may feel apprehensive that we'll be seen as 'being difficult' or that others may misunderstand our assertiveness as aggression. Or, we may feel like it would be so great if the other person just knew what we wanted, that we keep giving them the opportunity to guess correctly...but they don't. So the question is: does this really serve our best interests? Our highest good? Or, does it end up complicating matters unnecessarily?
It's time for us to put on our CEO hats. Really, each one of us is, in fact, our own Chief Executive Officer; occasionally, it can be helpful to think like one. A successful CEO communicates her or his needs and/or objectives clearly and directly. They don't waste time wondering how others will interpret their communication, they just go for it. The result is that they get exactly what they were looking for a lot more of the time than many of us do.
But I don't have a staff who's getting paid to hang on my every word, you say. Me neither. That's where the charisma factor comes in. Pull a genuine smile out and put it on when you're expressing yourself. Think about something you like about the person or people you are addressing before you begin. Then, clearly and concisely, in a factual, calm manner, ask for exactly what you want. If it helps, you can picture a CEO at a big shiny mahogany desk (how would she or he say this?)
Another, related challenge many of us dance with is knowing what we want and being able to separate that from what we think (or others think) we should want. Maybe you feel like you should want to go to a friend's party, but you really want some alone time. Maybe you feel like you should want a spouse, but really you want to focus more on accomplishing your own goals at the present time. Whatever the specifics, it's really important to separate what you really want for yourself from what you think you should want/what others may want for you. I suggest writing a list that has two columns, What I Want, and What I Think I Should Want - and see what comes up! Be honest with yourself - you can always burn, flush, or eat your list after you're done (i don't recommend eating, but to each her or his own!). One thing that can keep a lot of people from examining what they really want is that, once illuminated, these desires may begin to demand action. Action which may seem hard, or uncomfortable, or scary, or time-consuming, etc. But you know what? Those wants aren't going to go away, even if you ignore them. They'll just figure out creative ways of crashing the party later if you don't invite them to the table of your consciousness sooner. And they'll be bigger and creepier for having been left in the shadows so long.
Plus, when you uncover and examine what you really want, it can lead you to situations which truly encourage and celebrate who you are as a unique and valuable individual! Those very parts of yourself that you weren't sure anyone out there will 'get' will attract supportive and wonderful allies because you are creating inviting energy by welcoming in the parts of yourself that you may have been ignoring. Maybe it's just the part of you that's always wanted to sing karaoke but never had the courage, or maybe it's a deeper, more intense part of you, but everyone can start somewhere. And, just like going to therapy, bold self-honesty can be uncomfortable at first, but the discomfort is just one small piece of the process. Just like giving birth is just one small part of having a child; you get through it, and it leads to something great.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
We Are Always Spiraling Closer; Everything Counts
When we see a movie and the theme is the Hero's Journey, it's all so clear-cut. The problem, or task, is always so clearly defined, The battle is generally external, against a reliably 'bad' or 'evil' opponent, and victory is always measurable and universally agreed-upon.
Part of the reason this theme of the Hero's Journey (hero encounters problem or Task, which takes her/him out of the happy bubble of their previous existence and into Foreign Territory, to gain allies, learn about her/himself, uncover talents and abilities heretofore unknown to them, achieve the Victory, and then return to the beginning, changed by the experience) appeals so universally to us as humans, is that we are all always experiencing some point along this loop. Always.
In our world, a lot of the battles are internal, the villains are almost never who you think they are (or who they think they are, for that matter, like when they're aspects of your self!), the battles are almost never so clearly defined or measurable, and the cycle doesn't seem to end at any point. We don't really know if there are credits when the 'house lights come back up', or if it just fades to a different scene - nobody's been able to write an reliably accurate review as of yet. But certainly, while we inhabit our human bodies, here on earth, the loop appears to be continuous.
I believe that every human being on this planet came here for a few main reasons. Healing, learning, and entertainment seem to be universal to most, if not all, humans as goals while here on Earth. And then there are other goals which seem to be individual to each person. Some people are really fortunate and they know exactly what they're here for, right from the start. My cousin knew she was here to be a teacher from the time she could speak, and today, she is a positive force helping young minds to grow and flourish, you guessed it, teaching kids! I, however, wasn't so certain. Everything sounded at least a little bit interesting, a few possibilities seemed more interesting than others, but nothing made my heart sing and dance more than anything else I can recall. After high school and my first few attempts at sustainably attending college, I worked first for an environmental advocacy group, then at a law firm, then at a culinary school, then at a dating service company before I finally realized that the field I'm here to be a part of is Health/Healing.
It could be tempting at first glance to say, wow - too bad you wasted eight years figuring that out....but did I really?? Were those twists and turns detours off my path, or were they coils of my path spiraling closer to my primary goal?
Remember those old-school video games where you'd go around searching for magical tools and such, and you'd have to get the golden key (or whatever) from level five to open the magic door in level seven? If you got to level seven without the key, you'd have to go all the way back to level five for it? Well, the interesting thing is, we can never know ahead of time which magic keys we will have need of, perhaps several 'levels' into our respective futures. I can promise you that I learned very crucial skills and became intimately familiar with integral concepts and truths at each different job along the way, without which I would not have all the tools I have today, which I know I'm going to need on my path to becoming a Nurse Midwife. If I hadn't completed each loop of that spiral, I wouldn't be at this juncture, right here and right now, poised to begin an incredible journey, in the midst of several other incredible journeys, and with more incredible journeys yet to come!
That's the other interesting thing: we are all always leaving on our Quest, and we are all always Returning as well. It's kind of like how we're all always breathing. We're always inhaling and we're always exhaling. Always leaving, and always returning coming home, changed.
My point is this: when we're on a path, it's impossible to get enough distance that you'd be able to see the true shape of the path. Therefore, as long as one pays attention and stays alert for those 'magic keys' along the way, how much more productive to give up the exhausting illusion that you can know ahead of time which way your path will lead!! How much easier, unencumbered by this fallacy that life goes from point a to point b along a remotely predictable route! Now we are open to all the possibilities - much more likely to spot a 'golden key' in disguise the first spiral-around, so we can continue spiraling closer. And no matter where you are in life, especially the most seemingly-unlikely of places, there's always, always, always a 'golden key' you're going to need later. Every step counts, every step is getting you closer to your goals. Especially when you can't see how this is happening, it's happening.
Part of the reason this theme of the Hero's Journey (hero encounters problem or Task, which takes her/him out of the happy bubble of their previous existence and into Foreign Territory, to gain allies, learn about her/himself, uncover talents and abilities heretofore unknown to them, achieve the Victory, and then return to the beginning, changed by the experience) appeals so universally to us as humans, is that we are all always experiencing some point along this loop. Always.
In our world, a lot of the battles are internal, the villains are almost never who you think they are (or who they think they are, for that matter, like when they're aspects of your self!), the battles are almost never so clearly defined or measurable, and the cycle doesn't seem to end at any point. We don't really know if there are credits when the 'house lights come back up', or if it just fades to a different scene - nobody's been able to write an reliably accurate review as of yet. But certainly, while we inhabit our human bodies, here on earth, the loop appears to be continuous.
I believe that every human being on this planet came here for a few main reasons. Healing, learning, and entertainment seem to be universal to most, if not all, humans as goals while here on Earth. And then there are other goals which seem to be individual to each person. Some people are really fortunate and they know exactly what they're here for, right from the start. My cousin knew she was here to be a teacher from the time she could speak, and today, she is a positive force helping young minds to grow and flourish, you guessed it, teaching kids! I, however, wasn't so certain. Everything sounded at least a little bit interesting, a few possibilities seemed more interesting than others, but nothing made my heart sing and dance more than anything else I can recall. After high school and my first few attempts at sustainably attending college, I worked first for an environmental advocacy group, then at a law firm, then at a culinary school, then at a dating service company before I finally realized that the field I'm here to be a part of is Health/Healing.
It could be tempting at first glance to say, wow - too bad you wasted eight years figuring that out....but did I really?? Were those twists and turns detours off my path, or were they coils of my path spiraling closer to my primary goal?
Remember those old-school video games where you'd go around searching for magical tools and such, and you'd have to get the golden key (or whatever) from level five to open the magic door in level seven? If you got to level seven without the key, you'd have to go all the way back to level five for it? Well, the interesting thing is, we can never know ahead of time which magic keys we will have need of, perhaps several 'levels' into our respective futures. I can promise you that I learned very crucial skills and became intimately familiar with integral concepts and truths at each different job along the way, without which I would not have all the tools I have today, which I know I'm going to need on my path to becoming a Nurse Midwife. If I hadn't completed each loop of that spiral, I wouldn't be at this juncture, right here and right now, poised to begin an incredible journey, in the midst of several other incredible journeys, and with more incredible journeys yet to come!
That's the other interesting thing: we are all always leaving on our Quest, and we are all always Returning as well. It's kind of like how we're all always breathing. We're always inhaling and we're always exhaling. Always leaving, and always returning coming home, changed.
My point is this: when we're on a path, it's impossible to get enough distance that you'd be able to see the true shape of the path. Therefore, as long as one pays attention and stays alert for those 'magic keys' along the way, how much more productive to give up the exhausting illusion that you can know ahead of time which way your path will lead!! How much easier, unencumbered by this fallacy that life goes from point a to point b along a remotely predictable route! Now we are open to all the possibilities - much more likely to spot a 'golden key' in disguise the first spiral-around, so we can continue spiraling closer. And no matter where you are in life, especially the most seemingly-unlikely of places, there's always, always, always a 'golden key' you're going to need later. Every step counts, every step is getting you closer to your goals. Especially when you can't see how this is happening, it's happening.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Music As Medicine
So, we all know how good it feels when you've had a stressful or a particularly demanding week, and you get into the car, or the shower, or your apartment, and put on a great song. You throw your head back and sing at the top of your lungs, and by jove, something happens. A dramatic shift occurs, and, by the time the song is over, you feel, at the very least, refreshed, and at the most, transformed and rejuvenated. What Is That? How does it work, you ask? Well, as you may have read and/or heard, music is such an amazing and clinically proven, effective tool for improving our health that there is an entire profession devoted to doing just that, and they call it Music Therapy! Music therapy is proven to help with reduction of stress/anxiety, fear, depression, and physical pain, as well as being shown to help with boosting/repairing self-esteem, learning coping strategies, and helping people to be more adaptable. Here are just a few (out of thousands of) links to informative articles about how real people are using Music Therapy to improve their lives: http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/09/100909101557.htm, http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/01/24/using-music-to-lift-depressions-veil/, http://www.cancer.med.umich.edu/living/music_therapy08.shtml
This week, I want to thank Ms. Jennifer Brown, MT, a highly trained, accomplished, and certified Music Therapist of five years successful experience. Ms. Brown has provided me a Music Therapy technique which has been specially adapted to share with you, so that you can actually use this technique right in your own home, with no formal training (or even music-related talent - don't worry; don't need it!) Did you know: in order to be considered Music Therapy, a trained and certified Music Therapist must facilitate the session BUT you can receive all the benefits of this particular excercize even without a Music Therapist actually with you, courtesy of Ms. Jennifer Brown, MT.
This technique is specifically great for helping to transform stress and/or sadness, but can decidedly benefit everyone. Here we go:
The first step is to set your mood. Grab a paper and pen and have them right near you. Decide if you want the room brightly lit, or more subdued. Explore whether you feel more comfortable standing, sitting, or otherwise reclining. Get settled. Then, think of a word that expresses how you're feeling. Select a piece of music which expresses this feeling. Before you play the song you've selected, write a little bit about how you're feeling. Put everything down on paper, even the feelings that you may not feel comfortable with. Then, after you've put it all down on paper, you can play the song you've selected, singing along and really seeking to express these feelings to the fullest.
Now, for part two. For this part, we're going to drop some science on you. Ever heard of 'entrainment'? The process of entrainment occurs when two separate components come together and become one. For example, when two people walk together, starting at different speeds, they will eventually become synchronized. The same is true of breath, and even, heartbeats. You can use entrainment to help to 'synch up' with how you'd like to be feeling. Here's how:
Go ahead and think of a word that expresses how you'd like to feel. Then, choose a song that expresses how you'd like to feel.
If you want to feel more relaxed, put on your relaxing song, get comfortable, and begin keeping the rhythm of the song with your body, either by tapping your foot, or by tapping your hand against your leg, whatever feels most natural for you, so that you are physically relaxed, but still keeping the beat.
If you want to feel more uplifted or energized, put on your upbeat song and begin keeping the rhythm of the song with your entire body, try to dance using as much of your body as you possibly can.
You are using entrainment to help your mind and body to re-align to match the feeling of the song you've selected, like using one musical instrument to tune another. Close your eyes (unless you're at risk of dancing into anything sharp or heavy) and really let yourself feel the music, keeping the beat the entire time, making your body a part of the song.
After your second song is completed, write about how you feel now.
Last step: think of something positive about yourself, and also something you're grateful for. Then, say both things out loud, so that the words move through your whole body, and out into the world.
So there you have it, your very own Music Therapy technique, specifically adapted for use at home! You can learn more about Ms. Jennifer Brown, MT at http://
One other thing: It's important to select songs which you really like and identify with. Here are a couple of uplifting favorites of mine: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AUZTVUGfDds, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xjPODksI08, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hCXGokfEwmk, but please be sure to choose songs that speak to you personally!
And on that note (hahaha), I leave you to enjoy the healing power of music! Until next week,
Your Correspondent,
Sarah
This week, I want to thank Ms. Jennifer Brown, MT, a highly trained, accomplished, and certified Music Therapist of five years successful experience. Ms. Brown has provided me a Music Therapy technique which has been specially adapted to share with you, so that you can actually use this technique right in your own home, with no formal training (or even music-related talent - don't worry; don't need it!) Did you know: in order to be considered Music Therapy, a trained and certified Music Therapist must facilitate the session BUT you can receive all the benefits of this particular excercize even without a Music Therapist actually with you, courtesy of Ms. Jennifer Brown, MT.
This technique is specifically great for helping to transform stress and/or sadness, but can decidedly benefit everyone. Here we go:
The first step is to set your mood. Grab a paper and pen and have them right near you. Decide if you want the room brightly lit, or more subdued. Explore whether you feel more comfortable standing, sitting, or otherwise reclining. Get settled. Then, think of a word that expresses how you're feeling. Select a piece of music which expresses this feeling. Before you play the song you've selected, write a little bit about how you're feeling. Put everything down on paper, even the feelings that you may not feel comfortable with. Then, after you've put it all down on paper, you can play the song you've selected, singing along and really seeking to express these feelings to the fullest.
Now, for part two. For this part, we're going to drop some science on you. Ever heard of 'entrainment'? The process of entrainment occurs when two separate components come together and become one. For example, when two people walk together, starting at different speeds, they will eventually become synchronized. The same is true of breath, and even, heartbeats. You can use entrainment to help to 'synch up' with how you'd like to be feeling. Here's how:
Go ahead and think of a word that expresses how you'd like to feel. Then, choose a song that expresses how you'd like to feel.
If you want to feel more relaxed, put on your relaxing song, get comfortable, and begin keeping the rhythm of the song with your body, either by tapping your foot, or by tapping your hand against your leg, whatever feels most natural for you, so that you are physically relaxed, but still keeping the beat.
If you want to feel more uplifted or energized, put on your upbeat song and begin keeping the rhythm of the song with your entire body, try to dance using as much of your body as you possibly can.
You are using entrainment to help your mind and body to re-align to match the feeling of the song you've selected, like using one musical instrument to tune another. Close your eyes (unless you're at risk of dancing into anything sharp or heavy) and really let yourself feel the music, keeping the beat the entire time, making your body a part of the song.
After your second song is completed, write about how you feel now.
Last step: think of something positive about yourself, and also something you're grateful for. Then, say both things out loud, so that the words move through your whole body, and out into the world.
So there you have it, your very own Music Therapy technique, specifically adapted for use at home! You can learn more about Ms. Jennifer Brown, MT at http://
One other thing: It's important to select songs which you really like and identify with. Here are a couple of uplifting favorites of mine: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AUZTVUGfDds, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xjPODksI08, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hCXGokfEwmk, but please be sure to choose songs that speak to you personally!
And on that note (hahaha), I leave you to enjoy the healing power of music! Until next week,
Your Correspondent,
Sarah
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