It's Not You

 There's a book I really love,called the Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz.  Today,  I find myself reviewing his second agreement, Don't Take Anything Personally.  Let's get into it!

Two people enter into a conversation together.  How many conversations are happening?  You might think the answer is one, but you'd be incorrect.  Two conversations are happening, one in each person's mind (where else?  the words are gone as soon as they're uttered, except within the minds of the two people)

But within those two minds, is this conversation occurring atop a smooth, blank, un-developped foundation?  Not by a long shot!  Let's say you and I are conversing.  The words you say leave your mouth and enter my ears, are relayed to my brain.  My brain is already a full house.  Let's picture a big, quirky, brightly colored Victorian.  So, rather than gaining entry upon a smoothly swept foundation, your words, to get into my brain, might have to squeeze in through a porthole-shaped stained-glass window on the third floor, for example, instead.  (The front door is already in use; last night's homework, big, hulking, unwieldy ideas, are trying to turn themselves sideways so they can gain entry as well)

So your words had to take the upstairs window to get in.  But, by the time they're in, they've passed through that window, changed and, possibly, distorted by the colors of stained glass they passed through to get there.  We each have a lifetime's worth of experiences, associations, personal values, and perspectives that we see through, like a filter, like a one-of-a-kind stained glass window.  Everything we see, hear, and learn, must pass through this filter, or window.  The challenge being, of course, that nobody else can see through your window.  If you say, "yellow", and I process it through my blue stained glass window/filter, I'm not going to hear, 'yellow'; I'm going to hear 'green'.  And you might think I heard 'yellow', because you can't see that my window/filter is blue!

It's a wonder we manage to communicate at all!  I am reminded of when I worked with students and often would interact with Spanish-Speaking Only parents.  Now, I don't speak Spanish, but I am fairly fluent in French, so I could understand what they were saying, I just didn't have the vocabulary or grammar to respond in Spanish; I had to respond in English.  The parents, likewise, could understand my English; they just didn't have the vocabulary or grammar to respond in English.  By paying close attention to each others' facial expressions, we were each able to gage when we had used a word the other person didn't know.  We would then pause, and try different synonyms (different words which have similar or the same meaning) until we got one which the other person could understand.  We were able to have entire, in-depth, and nuanced conversations in this manner, them speaking Spanish, me speaking English; both parties comprehending.  In fact, many of these conversations actually worked far better than many all-English conversations I've had.

Why?  Nobody assumed anything.  Nobody took anything for granted; nobody assumed that the other person would understand what she or he was saying.  Everything was communicated very consciously, paying close attention to non-verbal cues, and checking to be sure the other person is 'with you', or 'on the same page', consistently throughout the conversation.  Also, and most importantly, I never took anything personally.  It was much easier in these instances, for me to remember that everyone was coming from a very different perspective, and was bringing a different viewpoint to the table.  I was very successful in my work at that job.

So, if you can see everyone you interact with as though they're speaking a different language than you, with some overlap, but only when you can mutually find agreement in understanding, you're actually living a lot closer to the truth.  When something you say in a reasonable manner is met with a response which seems out-of-proportion, this is the perfect time to pause and consider: okay, one or both of us are not on the same page here.  The worst thing you can do at that point is to react to what you think you're hearing.  Rather, it's a great opportunity to pause, and realize, one, or both of us, has misinterpreted the other.  Let's go back and figure out where the disconnect happened; let's retrace our steps together, and see if we can get back on track here.  Having the presence of mind to do this, in the heat of the moment, is a skill that takes some practice, but it's a muscle we all have; we just need to strengthen it, through conscious intention and practice.  Hint: meditation helps (big-time!). 

Courage, mes amis, et bon chance!
(Courage, my friends, and good luck!)