What You Really Really Want

One of the really instructive aspects of pregnancy is that behaviors which no longer serve you tend to fall away.  There ceases to be room and/or energy to sustain them.  You don't have to be pregnant in order to examine what's working and what isn't, and to do a little bit of early spring cleaning. 

One of the biggest challenges that most women struggle, or dance, with is asking clearly for what we want.  Many men have challenges with this as well, so let's get into it!

What is it that can make it seem so difficult to clearly and unapologetically advocate for ourselves?  We may feel apprehensive that we'll be seen as 'being difficult' or that others may misunderstand our assertiveness as aggression.  Or, we may feel like it would be so great if the other person just knew what we wanted, that we keep giving them the opportunity to guess correctly...but they don't.  So the question is: does this really serve our best interests?  Our highest good?  Or, does it end up complicating matters unnecessarily? 

It's time for us to put on our CEO hats.  Really, each one of us is, in fact, our own Chief Executive Officer; occasionally, it can be helpful to think like one.  A successful CEO  communicates her or his needs and/or objectives clearly and directly.  They don't waste time wondering how others will interpret their communication, they just go for it.  The result is that they get exactly what they were looking for a lot more of the time than many of us do. 

But I don't have a staff who's getting paid to hang on my every word, you say.  Me neither.  That's where the charisma factor comes in.  Pull a genuine smile out and put it on when you're expressing yourself.  Think about something you like about the person or people you are addressing before you begin.  Then, clearly and concisely, in a factual, calm manner, ask for exactly what you want.  If it helps, you can picture a CEO at a big shiny mahogany desk (how would she or he say this?)


Another, related challenge many of us dance with is knowing what we want and being able to separate that from what we think (or others think) we should want.  Maybe you feel like you should want to go to a friend's party, but you really want some alone time.  Maybe you feel like you should want a spouse, but really you want to focus more on accomplishing your own goals at the present time.  Whatever the specifics, it's really important to separate what you really want for yourself from what you think you should want/what others may want for you.  I suggest writing a list that has two columns, What I Want, and What I Think I Should Want - and see what comes up!  Be honest with yourself - you can always burn, flush, or eat your list after you're done (i don't recommend eating, but to each her or his own!).  One thing that can keep a lot of people from examining what they really want is that, once illuminated, these desires may begin to demand action.  Action which may seem hard, or uncomfortable, or scary, or time-consuming, etc.  But you know what?  Those wants aren't going to go away, even if you ignore them.  They'll just figure out creative ways of crashing the party later if you don't invite them to the table of your consciousness sooner.  And they'll be bigger and creepier for having been left in the shadows so long.

Plus, when you uncover and examine what you really want, it can lead you to situations which truly encourage and celebrate who you are as a unique and valuable individual!  Those very parts of yourself that you weren't sure anyone out there will 'get' will attract supportive and wonderful allies because you are creating inviting energy by welcoming in the parts of yourself that you may have been ignoring.   Maybe it's just the part of you that's always wanted to sing karaoke but never had the courage, or maybe it's a deeper, more intense part of you, but everyone can start somewhere.  And, just like going to therapy, bold self-honesty can be uncomfortable at first, but the discomfort is just one small piece of the process.  Just like giving birth is just one small part of having a child; you get through it, and it leads to something great.